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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

DECAYING CORPSE

AN UNPLEASANT BLOG TITLE.

BUT, IT BEST DESCRIBES SOMEONE WHO WALKS IN THE DARKNESS,
DESPITE HIM KNOWING THE WAY TO A GODLY, CLEAN LIVING.

YOU MAY BE KNOWLEDGEABLE, BUT IF YOU DON'T SEEK WISDOM, IF YOU DON'T FOLLOW GOD, AND IF YOU CONTINUE TO ACT AS A DAMNED SOUL, YOU ARE NOTHING.

I AM IRRESPONSIBLE AND LAZY.
I DON'T RESPECT THE TIME OF OTHERS.
I LET OTHER PEOPLE WASH MY CLOTHES, DO THE DISHES, CLEAN THE HOUSE.


I AM HOT-TEMPERED. I EASILY GET ANNOYED BY SMALL THINGS.
I CURSE AND SHOUT AT PEOPLE. I CURSE FRIENDS AND PEOPLE WHO DON'T ACT THE WAY I EXPECT AND WANT THEM TO DO, ANYONE WHO BLOCK MY WAY.
I AM IMPATIENT. IMPOLITE.
SLAM DOORS AND HIT THE TELEVISION AND THE PC.

I'M A COWARD.
I DON'T DEFEND MY OWN RIGHTS AND THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS,
DAHIL WALA AKONG MAIPAGMAMALAKI. WALA AKONG KARAPATAN.
KAHIT KAILAN.
MARAMI AKONG UTANG, LALO NA ANG "UTANG NA LOOB".
PUNYETA. I AM POOR AND MISERABLE.

I AM IMMORAL.

I'M NOT A GOOD SON, NOT A GOOD BROTHER,
AND NOT A GOOD MEMBER OF THE FAMILY.

I MAY APPEAR AS IF NOTHING WRITTEN HERE IS TRUE.
BUT I AM ABHORABLE.
I DESERVE HATRED.
I DESERVE TO BE MISERABLE; I DESERVE AGONY ALL MY LIFE.
I DESERVE DEATH.
YOU SEE, I AM SINFUL AND
I AM NOTHING.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE OF GREAT HELP TO OTHERS AND TO THE COMMUNITY,
BUT IT'S MY DESTINY TO FAIL. TO FUCK. TO FALL.

IT'S MORE DIFFICULT FOR ME TO WRITE ALL THESE.
BECAUSE THE COMPOSITION OF EACH WORD, 
BRINGS BACK EVERY INCH OF LONELINESS, SELF-PITY AND PAIN.
I DON'T NEED YOUR WORDS ON THESE.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

FAR WORSE

YOUR MIND, NOT YOUR HEART, IS NOT STABLE.
YOU ALREADY ANNOYED ME BEFORE, AND YOU ANNOY ME AGAIN NOW.
NOW, YOU RE-GOT MY ATTENTION. AND YOU'RE SHIT.
SHOULD I TELL YOU THIS? PEOPLE HAVE BEEN HATING YOU MORE NOW.
YES, COUNT YOUR PSEUDO-SUPPORTERS.
IF YOU DON'T STOP THAT HELLO-I-GOT-A-WHIRLWIND-IN-MY-MIND ATTITUDE,
YOU'LL BE FAR WORSE THAN THE PEOPLE YOU HATE.

"The emotionally immature person, however, has low levels of self-esteem and self-confidence and consequently feels insecure; to counter these feelings of insecurity they will spend a large proportion of their lives creating situations in which they become the centre of attention. It may be that the need for attention is inversely proportional to emotional maturity, therefore anyone indulging in attention-seeking behaviours is telling you how emotionally immature they are.
Attention-seeking behavior is surprisingly common. Being the center of attention alleviates feelings of insecurity and inadequacy but the relief is temporary as the underlying problem remains unaddressed: low self-confidence and low self-esteem, and consequent low levels of self-worth and self-love."

Thursday, July 15, 2010

WE MISS YOU, LOLA LAGRING.


SHE'S NOT WITH US ANYMORE.
BUT LIKE EVERYONE OF US, 
I AM THINKING THAT SURELY SHE'S MORE ALRIGHT NOW.

SHE WAS A GOOD, RESPONSIBLE MOTHER, I CAN SAY.
SHE WAS A DEDICATED TEACHER.
SHE WAS A GOOD CITIZEN.
SHE WAS A FAITHFUL CATHOLIC.
SHE WAS SMART, AND WAS JOYOUS.

SHE MADE ME FEEL CARED FOR.
SHE MADE ME SMILE AT TIMES I WAS TIRED.

I SAW HER COMPASSION FOR GOD AND FOR OUR PEOPLE.
I SAW HER SMILE AND LAUGH.

THE MOMENTS I HAD WITH HER, I WILL ALWAYS TREASURE.


Wednesday, July 07, 2010

DROP

I SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT THERE OBSERVING THE TRADITION AND DECIDED TO GO HOME @ SIX AM. DRUNK AND HAVING NO SLEEP YET, I MANAGED TO REACH THE RIGHT HOUSE.

AFTER FOUR HOURS, MAMA WOKE ME UP AND GOT ME A MUG OF HOT COFFEE.
CAFFEINE TO STIMULATE ACTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS, YET MY BODY RESPONDED NEGATIVELY. AS IT ALWAYS DOES.

COFFEE IS A BEVERAGE I GULP SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. DESPITE THE KNOWLEDGE THAT EXCESSIVE COFFEE INTAKE ISNT ADVISABLE, MY SURPRISINGLY EMPTY SKULL IS ABLE TO INSTRUCT MY LIMBS TO GRAB THE THERMOS, POUR IN HOT WATER TO A MUG WITH 1/2 TBSP OF COFFEE POWDER AND A TEASPOON OF SUGAR, STIR THE MIXTURE, AND HOALA.

I PREPARED MYSELF FOR TODAY'S WORK (MINUS THE MORNING HOURS), WAITED FOR MY THROAT TO BE 'OK', WASHED AND REACHED THE OFFICE AT TWELVE NOON.

I IMMEDIATELY FACED THE AIRCON UNIT. SARAP. I DO THIS OFTEN. AGAIN, IT'S STILL NOT GOOD DAW, BUT I CHOOSE TO GET A DOZE OF REFRESHING BLOW FROM IT. THEN, I JUMPED TO MY SEAT AND OPENED MOZILLA.

I OPENED YAHOOMAIL, TWITTER AND PLURK (A RECENT ADDITION TO MY SNS).

LUNCH BREAK ENDED AND I WAS STILL SURFING.
2PM, 3PM, 4PM, 5PM, 6PM, 7PM (NOW).
SURFING. THAT'S THE THING I PREPARED MYSELF FOR BEFORE LEAVING THE HOUSE THIS MORNING.

I HATE THE WORD "HAPONTUKIN". I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY YET.
BUT EVERY TIME I FEEL DROWSY, THAT KORNI WORD ENTERS MY MIND.

AND NOW, MY DROWSINESS COMES TO WORSE. YES, I'M EXAGGERATING ;)
BECAUSE I KNOW I CAN FINISH PRINTING COPIES OF UTOL'S RESUME.
BUT AS ALWAYS, I NEVER FAIL TO DROP MY CP WHENEVER MY "BED" CALLS ME.
HAHA.

Monday, July 05, 2010

M13

I CONCLUDED JUNE UNWELL.
I WOKE UP JUNE 30 WITH MY BODY NOT FUNCTIONING SO WELL,
THOUGH I MANAGED TO JOIN THE CHOIR MORNING OF JUNE 30.

I DID THAT ASSISTANT THING AND WAS THE LUCKIEST TO HAVE CAUGHT COLDS THAT EVENING AT DON BOSCO, ALABANG. COOL.

DRY COUGH, DAMP SNEEZE, RUNNY NOSE.
WHAT A HEALTHY WAY TO END JUNE.

AND THE MIDPART OF JUNE IS COOL IN A WAY.
(I JUST WROTE "COOL" THOUGH IT'S SO DISTURBING.)

THE DAY JUNE STARTED, IT WAS FULL OF DISAPPOINTMENT.

ADDICTION, ANGER AND MISERY ALL IN A MONTH.

HAPPINESS SELDOM APPEARED THOUGH I LAUGH MOST OF THE TIME.
YOU KNOW ME, I LAUGH AT MYSELF, WITH MYSELF AND FOR MYSELF.